Separation and Divorce
By Magdalena Liem
When someone comes forward and announces that they want to separate from their spouse, normally the actual separation has happened long before that. Some people take divorce action soon after they pass the separation time which is 12 months. Whereas others, who do not plan to re-bound in a new relationship, sometimes choose to stay separate.
Some causes of Separation and Divorce
- Sexual unfaithfulness
- Desertion
- Immature attitudes
- Physical and psychological abuse
- Social sanctions
- Other stresses
Effects of Separation and Divorce
During separation, people often live in uncertainty, as they are unsure whether their relationship will last or not, whereas it is more definite in divorce, which involves the loss of a love and the death of a relationship. The person who is left behind will normally experience the separation and divorce process different from those who make the decision to leave the relationship. This affects three areas:
Emotional Effects
Separation and divorce are accompanied by an almost endless range of emotions, including shock, sadness, confusion, rejection, anxiety, depression, fear, guilt, frustration, anger, bitterness, hurt, pain, loneliness, insecurity and yet for some, a sense of relief which is often related to guilt.
Behavioural Effects
Separation and divorce not only affects how one feels, but it also impacts what one does, such as paying bills, solving daily problems, taking care of the family alone, etc., while other routine activities must continue without the other person’s help or input. If there are children involved, there are more adjustments that need to be done,
Social Effects
Whenever Separation and divorce occurs, numerous people are affected, including: children, parents, other relatives, friends, social networks (church, work, etc.), lawyers, etc.
Separation/Divorce people often take one of different pathways:
- Pathway 1: Drifting through life, where they experience shock, indecisiveness, fatigue, withdrawal and giving up.
- Pathway 2: Continuing the crisis, where they take revenge, are melodramatic, play the victim, do not let go, have resentment, and even nervous breakdowns.
- Pathways 3: Rebound relationship, where they frantically search for hasty friendships, and early comfort resulting in poor matching, conflicts, and later suffering.
- Pathways 4: Building a new life, where they understand and accept reality and resolve past issues and conflicts, taking responsibility for running life, and having a positive attitude towards self and their situation, developing purpose in life, remaining emotionally mature, achieving goals, building friendships, and taking relationship risks.
What is counselling for?
Often people have left the relationship far too damaged before they come to counselling. Therefore, it is important for you to seek professional help sooner rather than later. If one or both partners have gone through detachment and are emotionally empty for a longer period time, it is extremely difficult for the counsellor to put life back into the relationship. However, it does not mean it is impossible for the relationship to be rekindled and healed. There is hope in putting the relationship back again after separation, as long as both parties are willing to commit and put the efforts in resolving their conflicts and issues, to rebuild the relationship again.
In the case of abuse or violence in the relationship, separation or divorce sometimes brings a better resolution for both parties and their children. Counselling will assist you to work on abuse issues and how to recover from it, so you will have a better future.
Divorce, like marriage, is a process, where grief plays an important. Grief’s emotions need to be worked through in order to let go of the dead love in the relationship. Working with the right Professional Counsellor can help you to go through divorce recovery. You will also discover the pitfalls to avoid and to grow through divorce, in order to rebuild your new life.
When should I/we go to counselling?
Separation and divorce have its roots in the marriage, such as:
- communication declines
- some of the partner’s habits beginning to irritate
- partner’s fault seen easily
- mainly negative feelings and thoughts
- mentally blaming partner
- denying anything is wrong
- taking on outside duties at the expense of marriage
- start avoiding each other
- acting without consulting partner
- hostile and resentful feelings
- frequent fighting
- sex declines
- abuse or violence
- etc.
When you experience one or more issues mentioned above, and you have tried to work on it together but unable to resolve it, then it is important to seek Professional Counselling as soon as possible before it is too late.
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